thunderstorm and rain
in this temple
my heart
red clay or blood
streaming down
washing over
pouring through
cleansing or clotting
9:26 AM
8:10 AM
alright. so my Cheerful Discipline took a real nose dive for a few weeks.
pulling my copy off of the shelf, dusting it off, revisiting
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Art_of_Happiness
not that i won't have my bad days, but when i do...
7:37 AM
before this is read, know that i am now in a better space.
have had a couple days to be alone. things i wouldn't let myself get out before, vented. feel a little cleansed for having written, rested.
--------------------------------
feel like a ghost in a mirror
looking out at everything
it's all reflecting in me, through me
but i'm not a part of it
i'm disappearing and trapped at once
the only times i feel a part of the world
is when ralph is near
yet i crave solitude
disconnection from what's happening to me
fighting, but not hard enough
disappointed and ashamed
impermanent
my life isn't sneaking away.
feel it has always been crashing
honing
soaking
washing over me
7:56 AM
do you feel the turning in your heart
the burning in your stomach
the churning in your lungs
it is the need for wildness
the hunger for change
the yearning for fresh air
it is the dream of needing nothing and everything at once
you are your own universe
fear is natural
but useful
embrace that feeling of falling
and become more
4:41 AM
for the record. having lupus sucks.
i keep trying to PUSH ahead, and that's what it really feels like. pushing. uphill. against this thing that nobody understands. that i don't want to explain for the millionth time.
i feel frustrated.
exhausted.
irritable.
depressed.
beyond myself.
and i can't share it with the people i care most about, because it would cause them worry and concern.
i'm SICK of sore joints. SICK of feeling like less of myself.
SICK of lack of sleep.
SICK of the sad feeling that enjoys every part of my being.
SICK of it all.
and what do the doctors want to do? give me STEROIDS. and they don't even know if those will help. what they do know for sure is that there would be significant swelling and weight gain as a result. FORGET THAT.
so, what's a girl to do.
hopefully i can nap before the Man wakes up.
maybe i'll not tear up for one day.
hopefully i can feel like More than This for another day.
maybe sometime i can feel understood and not belittled by people who know nothing of what having lupus is like.
or even what it is.
maybe i won't have to feel like i need to explain this stupid f-ing illness to anyone this week.
because it feels like making excuses.
i used to be SO TOUGH.
F.
.jpg)
12:01 AM
we watched a movie tonight from netflix (via instant play).
this movie SUCKED. it was hilarious, how badly it sucked.
even better was how funny ralph is when he's tortured by a bad flick.
he kept pointing at me with his angry monkey scowl and spent most of the movie with one hand clapped over his forehead and groaning. at one point i got up to get water and hit pause. ralph YELLED at me for prolonging his pain.
however! the best part was when the movie was Finally Over (109 minutes later), ralph felt compelled to write his first ever review on netflix.
it went a little something like this -
"You know when a dog poos, and another dog eats that poo, then poops it out and then another dog eats that poop and then that last dog tries to kiss you?
That is this movie."
i'm snickering, thinking about the netflix employee who will get this in their approve/reject review queue tomorrow morning.
11:27 AM
There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?
-Rumi
valentine's day '08, i sent a quartet to sing to ralph at work.
then i showed up in a rented gorilla costume with a homemade "i'm bananas 4 you" sign
i called his receptionist and she sent him to the 3rd story window, pretending to be all surprised by the weirdness in the parking lot
i skipped and dipped around, thumping my gorilla chest and skampering around with knuckles dragging
he was mortified. and a little proud?
celebrate your love, people!
7:48 PM
ok. so the Dude does Abide.
and he works at the Shell at N Portsmouth and N Lombard.
it's like a friggin Big Foot sighting...!.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Plus ~ my favorite local thai spot ~ funny signage - Food and Drink Not Allowed. ?.jpg)
6:41 PM
who's 10 and Daaaaamn Funny....
i went over to return the box of crayons i borrowed, and she shared with me a poem she wrote as a homework assignment...
"Growls" the dog - a poem by my cat, translated version
my favourite thing in the world is yarn
just like a barn would be to a cow
i'm going to tell you about my least favourite thing now
growls the neighbor dog who always barks when i pass
at least i don't pass gas
sure his fur is like silk
but when i see him i have to go to my happy place
in heaven
where of course there's yarn
and lots... of milk
4:20 AM
transferring dates to remember from our '08 to our '09 calendar, and found these random entries... some of them make absolutely no sense now, others are pretty funny.
Feb 9
"Lord knows you don't want to have to share with No Damn Baby."
-wendy, re: eliot's suggestion of big bird for "cactus"
Feb 26
t: I think spaghetti's pretty much the AOL of pasta.
Mar 15 - I pooped at the Grange!
Apr 7
tonya, re: open air bathrooms in bali..: The only thing worse than a monkey throwing poo at you is a monkey throwing your poo at you.
Apr 7, 8:47pm
t: it's in one ear and out Whatever.
Apr 21
t: Don't try to polish your beak on my branch, asshole.
May 8
t, exasperated: I don't know who it is. Buck Gordon Rogers Loggins Lightfoot. ok?!
May 19
t: you think i'm a lot more awesome than most people think i am.
r: Yeah, well I know you better.
May 22
r: Worst porn name. Ever. Dick Littler.
Jun 12
r, stroking an imaginary beard..: I wonder what's to do in Greeeeeenland?
Jun 14
tonya, re: fantasy purchase of a disco duck t-shirt..: Yeeeah!! Maybe I'll hit that shit with a Bedazzler, too!!
Jun 14, 11:10pm
t: how can you be so great in bed and such a Rotten Dancer??
r: my other senses make up for what's missing. Yeah. I'm awesome. I'm like - a blind man WITH SIGHT!
Jun 15, 1:13am
r: WhatEVER! I'm Batman.
Jun 17
r: Wow! Here's what you can do!
Jun 20 - Solstice, Bitches!!
Jul 18 - new dance moves by tonya..: The Best Represent. The Hook.
Jul 19
r: I'm like a sexy ninja on the dance floor. Except that you can see me.
Jul 19, 9:35pm
t: I ask you. Why do gus' kisses taste like logan's asssss.
Jul 26
t: You should have dated a sex therapist before me.
r: Nah. I would have wanted group therapy.
Sep 2
t: No... Kelly wouldn't be dating someone who's [claw hand signal] 'Weird in the Face'!
Nov 15 - Fidelio, Bitches!
Dec
t: i like this stuff, this 'Cottonelle.' is it environmentally friendly?
r: No.
t: what can we do that's environmentally friendly - that doesn't suck?
r: Sandpaper, Leaves.
t: that DOESN'T suck.
r: Cottonelle.
t: that's ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY.
r: My BUTT'S an environment.
7:22 AM
(7:15am)
ralph's still in the other room sawing logs. makes me wanna yell TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMM-
(7:20am)
ahhahahaha! he jumped about 2feet straight up in bed, and yelled in a sleepy voice, "geez, Jennifer!! do you have to be so annoying?!" then he realized he was at home, and it was me.
i was laughing so hard that i fell over into bed for a minute.
(jennifer is ralph's little sister..! ahahahah)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
