bullhorn bullies

ugh. abhor sunday morning tv evangelism. good morning! << it's Sunday on the SmackDown! >> am not anti-faith, anti-religion. am anti-supercilious, oppressive, condescending proselytizing wagging, clicking, tisking.

raw, aching beauty of faith, grace
stamped, sorted, shuffled into concrete and neon.
bullhorn bullies, what do you do with the other six days....
greasing those edges as you crease, turn your pages.
satin pockets and velvet tongues, where are your other six days.
anthems, psalms, drunken lullabies chafing my ears
puffing upward into tilting skies of smothering blankets of smog.
those other six days
with them, what have you done.

 

it happened on a dim brook, the water clear, rushing past mossy stones. shadows emerging through willow branches dipping toward my forehead.  laying back, chest and arms open, hands wet and open to chilly warmth, my body in bluejeans and a woolly sweater spread against and pressed into wet soil and discarded leaves

no shoes ever
throwing them anywhere every chance i get
always demand feeling life through my hands and palms and fingers and lips and soles
casting myself into solitude
laying there on the forest floor i felt bare / open / nearly free

immersed in the scents of loamy soil, pine needles, wild onion, hazelnuts, scratchy bark of orchard trees
sounds chirping chorus frogs, shouting moon, acres of wild wheat rushing nowhere with late night early morning breeze

this is when I discovered meaning and beauty and strength in myself
my will / will to be . to be none of them. to be all of my own.

T decalogue... 10)
greet my friends not just with open hand, but more importantly with open arms.
embrace with recognition, appreciation, joy, comfort, humor, sweetness.

this life is a bullet train.

selfishness vs. responsibility vs. growth vs. taking care of yourself

as a human, a woman, a wife, a sister...

there is always going to be the challenge and responsibility to grow in our gratitude and kindness.
not just in word, but in deed.
this may just be my time to do that.

i need to find a way to master
not expending energy on anger, or
refuting frustration, but
expanding my understanding.

i've always been impulsive (and will prob always will be i hope!)

but these are things i know i have to learn in this lifetime

this may be my time.

thunderstorm and rain


in this temple
my heart


red clay or blood
streaming down
washing over
pouring through
cleansing or clotting

get back on that Horse!

alright.  so my Cheerful Discipline took a real nose dive for a few weeks.

pulling my copy off of the shelf, dusting it off, revisiting


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Art_of_Happiness

not that i won't have my bad days, but when i do... 

before this is read, know that i am now in a better space.

have had a couple days to be alone. things i wouldn't let myself get out before, vented.  feel a little cleansed for having written, rested. 

--------------------------------

feel like a ghost in a mirror
looking out at everything
it's all reflecting in me, through me
but i'm not a part of it
i'm disappearing and trapped at once

the only times i feel a part of the world
is when ralph is near
yet i crave solitude
disconnection from what's happening to me

fighting, but not hard enough
disappointed and ashamed
           impermanent

my life isn't sneaking away.
feel it has always been crashing
honing
soaking
washing over me

do you feel the turning in your heart

the burning in your stomach

the churning in your lungs

it is the need for wildness
the hunger for change
the yearning for fresh air
   it is the dream of needing nothing and everything at once

you are your own universe
fear is natural
   but useful

embrace that feeling of falling
   and become more

for the record. having lupus sucks. i keep trying to PUSH ahead, and that's what it really feels like. pushing. uphill. against this thing that nobody understands. that i don't want to explain for the millionth time.

i feel frustrated. exhausted. irritable. depressed. beyond myself. and i can't share it with the people i care most about, because it would cause them worry and concern.

i'm SICK of sore joints. SICK of feeling like less of myself.
SICK of lack of sleep.
SICK of the sad feeling that enjoys every part of my being.
SICK of it all. and what do the doctors want to do? give me STEROIDS. and they don't even know if those will help.  what they do know for sure is that there would be significant swelling and weight gain as a result. FORGET THAT.

so, what's a girl to do. hopefully i can nap before the Man wakes up.

maybe i'll not tear up for one day.
hopefully i can feel like More than This for another day.
maybe sometime i can feel understood and not belittled by people who know nothing of what having lupus is like. or even what it is.
maybe i won't have to feel like i need to explain this stupid f-ing illness to anyone this week.
because it feels like making excuses.

i used to be SO TOUGH.

F.

jean claude van damme squirrel!! 03.21.09

at my bird feeder.

the Pootie Tang of Cockatoos. 03.14.09

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NL2pR--1S8

oh no. ralph reviewed a movie. 03.10.09

we watched a movie tonight from netflix (via instant play).

this movie SUCKED. it was hilarious, how badly it sucked.
even better was how funny ralph is when he's tortured by a bad flick.
he kept pointing at me with his angry monkey scowl and spent most of the movie with one hand clapped over his forehead and groaning. at one point i got up to get water and hit pause. ralph YELLED at me for prolonging his pain.

however! the best part was when the movie was Finally Over (109 minutes later), ralph felt compelled to write his first ever review on netflix.

it went a little something like this -

"You know when a dog poos, and another dog eats that poo, then poops it out and then another dog eats that poop and then that last dog tries to kiss you?

That is this movie."

i'm snickering, thinking about the netflix employee who will get this in their approve/reject review queue tomorrow morning.

thought. 03.08.09

There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?
-Rumi


valentine's day '08, i sent a quartet to sing to ralph at work.
then i showed up in a rented gorilla costume with a homemade "i'm bananas 4 you" sign
i called his receptionist and she sent him to the 3rd story window, pretending to be all surprised by the weirdness in the parking lot

i skipped and dipped around, thumping my gorilla chest and skampering around with knuckles dragging

he was mortified. and a little proud?

celebrate your love, people!

the dude abides. 03.07.09

ok. so the Dude does Abide.
and he works at the Shell at N Portsmouth and N Lombard.
it's like a friggin Big Foot sighting...!



Plus ~ my favorite local thai spot ~ funny signage - Food and Drink Not Allowed. ?

poor bizkit. 3.07.09.

and poor wall!

man. it's sad, but i can't stop laughing...

i love my neighbor girl. 1.13.09.

who's 10 and Daaaaamn Funny....

i went over to return the box of crayons i borrowed, and she shared with me a poem she wrote as a homework assignment...

"Growls" the dog - a poem by my cat, translated version

my favourite thing in the world is yarn

just like a barn would be to a cow

i'm going to tell you about my least favourite thing now

growls the neighbor dog who always barks when i pass

at least i don't pass gas

sure his fur is like silk

but when i see him i have to go to my happy place

in heaven

where of course there's yarn

and lots... of milk

weird things on our calendar. 12.23.08.

transferring dates to remember from our '08 to our '09 calendar, and found these random entries... some of them make absolutely no sense now, others are pretty funny.


Feb 9
"Lord knows you don't want to have to share with No Damn Baby."
-wendy, re: eliot's suggestion of big bird for "cactus"

Feb 26
t: I think spaghetti's pretty much the AOL of pasta.

Mar 15 - I pooped at the Grange!

Apr 7
tonya, re: open air bathrooms in bali..: The only thing worse than a monkey throwing poo at you is a monkey throwing your poo at you.

Apr 7, 8:47pm
t: it's in one ear and out Whatever.

Apr 21
t: Don't try to polish your beak on my branch, asshole.

May 8
t, exasperated: I don't know who it is. Buck Gordon Rogers Loggins Lightfoot. ok?!

May 19
t: you think i'm a lot more awesome than most people think i am.
r: Yeah, well I know you better.

May 22
r: Worst porn name. Ever. Dick Littler.

Jun 12
r, stroking an imaginary beard..: I wonder what's to do in Greeeeeenland?

Jun 14
tonya, re: fantasy purchase of a disco duck t-shirt..: Yeeeah!! Maybe I'll hit that shit with a Bedazzler, too!!

Jun 14, 11:10pm
t: how can you be so great in bed and such a Rotten Dancer??
r: my other senses make up for what's missing. Yeah. I'm awesome. I'm like - a blind man WITH SIGHT!

Jun 15, 1:13am
r: WhatEVER! I'm Batman.

Jun 17
r: Wow! Here's what you can do!

Jun 20 - Solstice, Bitches!!

Jul 18 - new dance moves by tonya..: The Best Represent. The Hook.

Jul 19
r: I'm like a sexy ninja on the dance floor. Except that you can see me.

Jul 19, 9:35pm
t: I ask you. Why do gus' kisses taste like logan's asssss.

Jul 26
t: You should have dated a sex therapist before me.
r: Nah. I would have wanted group therapy.

Sep 2
t: No... Kelly wouldn't be dating someone who's [claw hand signal] 'Weird in the Face'!

Nov 15 - Fidelio, Bitches!

Dec
t: i like this stuff, this 'Cottonelle.' is it environmentally friendly?
r: No.
t: what can we do that's environmentally friendly - that doesn't suck?
r: Sandpaper, Leaves.
t: that DOESN'T suck.
r: Cottonelle.
t: that's ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY.
r: My BUTT'S an environment.

paul bunyan do not be here. uh-uh. 12.21.08.

(7:15am)
ralph's still in the other room sawing logs. makes me wanna yell TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMM-MMMMMBBBBERRRRRRRRRRRR really loudly and see what he does. hmmmm. BACK IN A MINUTE!!!

(7:20am)
ahhahahaha! he jumped about 2feet straight up in bed, and yelled in a sleepy voice, "geez, Jennifer!! do you have to be so annoying?!" then he realized he was at home, and it was me.
i was laughing so hard that i fell over into bed for a minute.

(jennifer is ralph's little sister..! ahahahah)