for the record. having lupus sucks. i keep trying to PUSH ahead, and that's what it really feels like. pushing. uphill. against this thing that nobody understands. that i don't want to explain for the millionth time.

i feel frustrated. exhausted. irritable. depressed. beyond myself. and i can't share it with the people i care most about, because it would cause them worry and concern.

i'm SICK of sore joints. SICK of feeling like less of myself.
SICK of lack of sleep.
SICK of the sad feeling that enjoys every part of my being.
SICK of it all. and what do the doctors want to do? give me STEROIDS. and they don't even know if those will help.  what they do know for sure is that there would be significant swelling and weight gain as a result. FORGET THAT.

so, what's a girl to do. hopefully i can nap before the Man wakes up.

maybe i'll not tear up for one day.
hopefully i can feel like More than This for another day.
maybe sometime i can feel understood and not belittled by people who know nothing of what having lupus is like. or even what it is.
maybe i won't have to feel like i need to explain this stupid f-ing illness to anyone this week.
because it feels like making excuses.

i used to be SO TOUGH.

F.